One Step Closer

My department at work is important to me. I've grown up in that building, evolved in my role, but more importantly have developed a familial fondness for many of the people that I work with. This is one of the reasons I informed the supervisors that report to me of our decision to move early in the process. Yesterday, I took another step and informed the people I report to. A bit backwards, yes, but that was how it happened. And it was hard. Walking into the room I couldn't feel my fingers. I was light-headed. And a bit heavy-hearted.

A part of why we decided to do this was to explore other career options that are better suited to who we are. But that doesn't mean I don't care about my current job. I do. On some levels, very much. It's been a part of my identity for almost a decade. It may not be the perfect fit, but it's a darn good gig. I know I'm walking away from a special group of people and a place I've made a home in many ways. It feels a lot like that first night on campus after my parents dropped me off my freshman year of college. A part of me wanted to run back to the comfort of my childhood room and familiar routine - the part that was scared. But a bigger part of me was excited about facing the unknown and discovering what was to come in this crazy ride called life. I had visions of discovering every inch of this big world and doing things I couldn't even imagine.

That latter part of me is very much alive and tired of being dormant. It was that latter part I held on to as I looked into the faces of people I never wanted to disappoint and delivered news that I knew would do just that. Not that they weren't supportive or excited for me. They were. But there was also that glint of disappointment. I have no illusions about being some crucial element in my role or anything. Everyone is replaceable. It's the environment right now that caused that glint. There is some restructuring that has people feeling uneasy at the moment. Change is hard. There is some fear that news of more change could be disruptive. I have that fear myself. I don't want my departure to be disruptive. I want it to be seen for what it is - Husband and I chasing a dream we've both held in our pockets for years. The timing is not ideal, but there will always be a reason timing is not ideal for something like this.

If I've learned anything so far, it is tomorrow is never guaranteed. We want to do this and today is as good a time as tomorrow. I don't want to die staring at a beige wall wondering what if. I want to suck the marrow out of this life. I always have. If I don't start doing it now, then when? Yes, as much as it makes my heart heavy to leave the department behind, it's time. The hardest part will be telling the rest of the group. But that will wait for another day. After the house sells and I have my plane ticket booked. When there is a definitive transition plan. For now, I'm overwhelmed with the imminent departure of Husband.

He leaves in about a week, Old Dog to follow shortly after that. It'll be just Miss Monster and me living under the generosity of my in-laws. I'm so grateful to have an actual home as a sanctuary during this brief turmoil before our little family is reunited on Maui. It's going to be hard enough to be separated. The idea of living in bare surroundings with my heart a half a world away is almost unfathomable. I'm incredibly lucky not to be in that situation. As scary as this transition phase is, there are also a million reasons to be grateful. The comfort of family. The kindness of strangers. Memories to revisit. Memories to be made. We're one step closer to our goal each day, and each day is a reminder of all the possibilities that lie ahead. Tomorrow may not be guaranteed, but if it does come, I'll make the most of it.